More hospital visits

If I have to go back to the ER, I might have a break down. The bleeding wont stop (sorry for the too much info) I feel crazy right now.
Last night I got pretty upset with Michael be because his ex girlfriend called. Here I am feeling pretty shitty about myself and his pretty, skinnier then me, blonde, exercise freak, most likely more fertile ex girlfriend calls. He didn’t pick up and I wanted him to just tell her his feelings for me and to leave us alone. Btw, she called at 12 last night. About a month ago, she left a faceboom comment on his page. She called him a cute pet name and left a link to her blog which she wrote about her greatest influences. He was one of them and in  this public blog she wrote about how she couldn’t get over him and some shit about cuddling under the stars.

Why is everyone trying to hurt me?  They haven’t talked in 6 or 8 months, why now? He told me that if she continues that he will say something to her about it. I guess this is his big test… If he goes to her then I’m better off. I love him but my past with men hasn’t been too promising when it comes to exs. its a little weird that she called at 12. Michael did tell me that she called before I found out the hard way. So far, he’s passing the test. We will just have to see what happens.

**Edit: She’s moving into town.. great.

Things could be worse…

Ahhh the ER. Not exactly somewhere I wish to find myself on  a beautiful Tuesday afternoon for 6 hours. My pregnancy test came back positive and I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Fun….

I got two shots of methotrexate, which is chemo. My boyfriend was pretty supportive. I sent him off to work though, we need the money. He wanted to stay by my side and call in but yesterday was something I wanted to battle alone.

I’m better. Now the weight gain makes sense, the ance, the pissed off mood, sleeping for 12 hours, as well as depression that causes the lack of motivation for school. I couldn’t figure out why my life felt as if it was falling apart. I couldn’t snap out of the bad mood shit. Luckily, it was on the same side as my last ectopic. Which means I still have a chance to have kids. That whole infertility thought made me really upset and now I realize how obsessed with the thought I was. Which is totally unhealthy… I wont let this get the best of me, I will bare my own children someday! For now though.. I’m going to go on some birth control. I’m much too fragile right now and I need to make college my top priority. Then I’ll have the money to be able to take care of a family. Right now, I need to enjoy my life for what it is. I need to do the things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I did have children. Like travel.

I want to travel to Amsterdam to meet my fathers brother. Smoke some dankness and maybe dance around in those wooden shoes. 🙂

I also have a strong urge to go on a yoga retreat to Bali.. Indonesia seems beautiful. Maybe do a yoga teacher training. I might do my first 200 hour certification in the states for hatha yoga, then finish the 500 hour in Bali or maybe somewhere in India. I wish I had the money right now because I feel I need to get away..

My boyfriend seems pretty supportive. We were talking today how I should have my counseling office intown somewhere where people can come see me for the psychological apsect of the therapy, then when I want to introduce the yoga part, I can make that more private. I was thinking an insulated yert in the woods. Somewhere close to town so my clients can access it easy during the  winter months but far enough out so people can really focus their energy with the help of nature and away from the influences of society. I always feel better when I’m out and away from societys negativity.

Here a picture of a butterfly on my shirt. I went to the fair and they had a butterfly exhibit. I was inlove.

Namaste

Miscarrage

I’m pretty sure I’m having a miscarriage. I’ve been feeling faint, nauseous, my boobs hurt, I’m crabby as hell and I cannot wake up before 12pm for the life of me. I have no energy and I cannot concentrate on shit. I have pain on my side and I’ve been bleeding for 10 days. Or, I’m having some hormone problems due to how close to obesity I am right now. All I want to do is fall asleep right now. Tomorrow I have an apt to figure out whats going on with me.

I feel so lost, I hope I don’t get kicked out of college.. Hopefully on Wednesday, I can talk to my teacher

Somethings wrong

I’m not sure how to describe what’s happening to me. I’ve been on my period for 10 days. I thought it was over then BAM it came back. Now I’m cramping again..

Every time something happens with my periods I get paranoid that I’m going to have another ectopic pregnancy. I haven’t been on birth control for a while because I figure what ever happens, happens. Now I don’t know whats happening to me and it sucks. I guess I’m going to have to wait and see what happens. I wasn’t able to go to yoga today because I felt so faint.. Now I’m having lower back pain and I’ve lost my apatite. I hope it’s better than what I think it is.

Right now I’m looking up yoga shorts to buy online. I need something new

Here’s a laugh

 

Namaste

Alcoholism

I got way too drunk last night.

I think that I just need to not drink at all. I decided to go have dinner with a friend. Wr rode our bikes downtown but she wanted to stay. I thought it would be fun.. Bad idea. My friend pretty much busted her front teeth out. I made such a fool.of myself that one of my boyfriends friends text Michael saying that I’m on the verge of alcohol poisioning and to come get me..    How embarrassing…

I will get this addiction under control. If I love Michael, I will do anything to save our relationship. If I continue to drink, Michael will leave.

Ughh I don’t have much else to say. I’m going to continue to watch spartacus and be hung over. Please God give me the strength to win this battle..

It’s been a while…

I haven’t updated in a while. Not sure if anyone reads this but if you do. I’m sorry.

I started yoga back up. I was once again neglecting my body and mind. I love yoga, what I dont love is how money hungry some studios are. So I use their greed as an excuse to be lazy. I don’t  understand why I do that but hopefully this time around I’ll be more commited. I decided that I’m not putting it off any longer when I weighed myself 2 days ago. I’ve been staying around 145 to 150lbs. Well… When the moment of truth come.. My worst fears come true…

170… Wtf? Seriously? My bmi is 29.. Which is one away from obese because I’m only 5’4. I carry weight pretty well so I had no idea how much I weighed. I almost had a melt down but stopped myself. I’ve been eat fairly well for the past month. I’ve been having a salad for lunch every day. I’m also used to my ex husband telling me when I’m getting too fat. My current boyfriend still treats me the same. He’s the sweetest guy on the planet and he treats me so well. He was just suprised as I was about that number on the scale. I don’t really have any money for yoga and he offered to pay for it.

I’m so lucky that I have him in my life.

Im supposed to be studying for my final on Wednesday but I feel so exhausted from my second day of yoga today. I picked up pretty quickly where I left off a few months ago. I have horrible balance because of my ankle surgerys as a child. I love how it doesn’t make my feet hurt. My teacher is pretty nice and doesn’t stop class to see why I keep falling out of postures that require balance. I get pretty frustrated when I’m going at my own speed in class and a teacher wants to “fix” me. I walk slightly on the sides of my feet and I’m slowly becoming more balanced. This isn’t my first rodeo.

I need to be more accepting and appreciate thier help.. Ughh I wish I was nicer some times. I get upset in class when the teacher tries to correct my feet and I wonder why people don’t talk to me. Apparently I’m hard to approach.. A guy in my psychology class who is from Costa Rica told me that I was a very pretty girl but I look tough. I think he was trying to tell me I look like a bitch. After that he stopped sitting at my table. I think I told him I was going to kick his ass as a joke. I guess he didn’t get my sarcasim.

All my friends are party friends, I geuss I’m a lot more friendly when I have booze running though my syatem..how sad is that?

So I have a couple of goals. Here goes…

1. Stop partying. I’ve been pretty good but I don’t need any more then a glass of wine  occasionally.

2. Make better friends. I need people who will care about me as much as I care about them. I meet a girl in Joanns when I was trying to figure out a pattern for a purse. She was very helpful, she was my age and gave me a card because she sometimes holds sewing gatherings. I should email her.

3. Get good grades. Enough said.

4. Last but definitely not least.. Stick with yoga for at least 6 months. Meaning I practice it 3 to 5 times a week. Maybe I’ll reward myself with my sleeve tattoo I’ve been yerning for.

Anyways, my phone is about to die and im getting eaten myosquitos. No fun.

Namaste

<3

“The yoga mat is a good place to turn when talk therapy and antidepressants aren’t enough.
Amy Weintraub

30 day challenge of Bikram Yoga

Good morning ya’ll!

Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. I’ve had a rough few months. I failed all my classes last term, fell into deep depression and tried drinking my worries away.. I also made some stupid decisions while I was intoxicated. I yelled at my best friend and made her cry, and I made out with a random guy at the bar while my boyfriend was waiting to pick my drunk ass up in the parking lot. My boyfriend even saw the guy who I kissed, wrapped around me. 

I’m surprised my boyfriend isn’t my ex boyfriend right now. 

He forgave me and my stupid choices. Happy 6 month anniversary baby, I kissed another boy…

I really hated myself the next day. I haven’t wanted to die so bad since I got raped a few years ago. I don’t understand why I even drink. I have had SO many horrible things happen when I’m drunk. Things that have changed my life forever. The first time I ever had an epiphany was almost two years ago when I smoked opium for the first time. I saw my life if I kept drinking. I was going to be alone.. old looking even when I wasn’t and bitter about life. I was going to be a lonely cougar who waits for 5 o’clock every day so I can start drinking my troubles away looking for some male companion for the night. This is not how I wanted to live my life. I stopped drinking 3 months cold turkey after this mind alternating experience. My sobriety broke on my birthday when I felt I finally deserved my birthday drink and I have never been able to stop ever since. 

Today is the 13th day I’ve been sober and it’s the 9th day of my 30 day challenge of bikram yoga.

Bikram feels amazing. I love yoga so much, it’s already changed my life so tremendously in just the week I’ve done it. Most of the yoga teachers know me by name. I’m not very good, but I believe I have potential because they are always trying to help me get better. I have a hard time with the balancing postures like in standing head pose because of the multiple surgeries I’ve had on my feet/ankles. It’s nice to have people who believe in me. 🙂 Also I’m going to try out this power yoga studio for 30 days and see if I want to trade work for free classes or discounted packages. I am excited to start this new journey to a better life.

I also quit working in the bar. This was very hard for me to do because it also meant I couldn’t live in my own studio apartment and I have to live back home or move in with my boyfriend. Which wouldn’t be too bad if we lived together, we already spend every night together. Since we have been dating, we haven’t stayed apart longer then 24 hours. I do love him, I’m not sure why I do such hurtful things when I’m drunk. I just don’t think… I want to cry when I think about how much I hurt him. So I figured in order to stop drinking again, I need to think about him and my best friend. I will lose them both if I continue to indulge in the evil.. Myself and alcohol do not mix. 

Good bye bartender, hello nanny!

I got a new job as a nanny for the spring term. I watch a 2 and a half year old boy. He’s very cute and sweet. Very little temper tantrums. He’s full of energy and life! We are currently working on potty training. I made a potty training chart and bought mr. potato head stickers. For every 5th time he uses the potty, he gets to choose a toy. Lets see how well this works. My next project is to print off some flash cards and work with words, colors and shapes. His parents are super nice as well. I also started taking another early childhood education class where I will be working in a preschool. I will be working in the preschool with the little boys older sister. I hope I do well and they give me a job there. 🙂 I would be pretty stoked about that!! Since I will be in school for such a long time for psychology, I want to work in preschools to help me through school. 

I just want to help make this world a better place. 🙂

 

Anyways, I have to go. I will do my best to update this more.

Namaste

Winter Term and Bikram Yoga

Sorry I haven’t kept up. I’ve started up school again this week and things have been crazy.

My classes are..
Psychology 202
Math 95
and Writing 122

I really enjoy my classes right now. I’m going to write my term paper in Psychology about the benefits of yoga on mental disorders. I’m rather excited about it because I get to finally write about something I enjoy. I want to make this a career. This is my future. I’m already experiencing the profound effects in just a week of Bikram yoga.

I was born with club feet, I’ve had 3 surgeries. I’ve always pushed the limit on my poor weakening ankles. I did basketball and cheer leading in middle and high school. Now I’m a bartender and cocktail waitress at a local dance club. I make my money to survive and get through school but my feet are taking a huge beating.. and I defiantly can feel it.. especially the next morning after work. When I get out of bed. I can’t even walk, I get out of bed and and collapse from excruciating pain. Sometimes I can’t sleep because of the pain shooting up my leg. I have a medical marijuana card, allowing me to smoke which is a way better alternative then the pain killers the sales men AKA “doctors” happily prescribe me.

I started Bikram yoga over a week ago and I fell in love. I can feel the toxins leaving my body, I felt amazing right away and the best thing.. I CAN WALK THE NEXT DAY AFTER WORK!!! Sorry for the caps, I just wanted to explain how much it’s helped. I’ve always had to deal with pain my whole life. Some times I get depressed and I’ve been in failed relationships because the guys I’ve dated don’t understand that I can’t be that flirty happy go lucky bartender they see me as while I’m working every moment of every single day and anyone who has to deal with pain on a daily basis would understand.

But yoga has changed all of that..

I have not wanted to drink when I go yoga or eat meat. Which both contain toxins that drag me down. I think I’m going to be able to easily become a part time vegan.. which will help with my mood swings, weight and view of life.

Wish me luck!

I promise I’ll update much more. This is my outlet.

❤
Namaste

A’more

I told my boyfriend I was falling in love with him a few days ago..

Good news.. He feels the same. The bad news, I’m trying to not freak myself out by these new found emotions. Last guy I was in love with.. was abusive.

Not that I like that my boyfriend will EVER do that. Because he would never lay a finger on me wrong is part of the reason why I love him. My friends think I can get cuter.. but hes a good looking Italian. Not the most gorgeous guy that I’ve never been with. The guys who are as pretty as me are ass holes who usually don’t understand how to treat a woman.

I’m in love because he makes me smile. He rubs my feet after work, he wakes me up to breakfast,  gives me space to breath and hang out with my friends, calls me beautiful, ALWAYS there when I need him.. and so much more.

I don’t like feeling exposed.

crap..