Moving…

Aparently Michael and I are moving an hour away from the college(to a completely different town) to his parents house. I am NOT happy about the situation but Michael insists that we need to save up money for a deposit and wait to find the right house. He’s been nagging me for almost a year about moving to his parents house. It pisses me off but I do love him and I understand where he’s coming from. I haven’t lived with parents for a while and usually a boyfriends house isn’t going to ‘help’ the relationship. But, maybe living there will help motivate Michael to find a new job. He wont ever see me because I’ll be driving into town every day. I have class from 7:45 am to 7:35 pm, which means that I will have to wake up at 4:30 am, leave at 6:30 and get to school 10 minutes early. Hopefully I can pay for the gas..

I am not happy.. not one bit. I might just live with my mom until we find a house because I can barely wake up at 6:30 am.. let alone 4:30 am.. I’m not welcome at my moms house because her boyfriend doesn’t like me too much. So that would be interesting..

I’ve been homeless, couch hopping, lived out of my car and even slept in it a few times. I’m not exactly too fond of moving as it usually makes me anxious. I have explained this to Michael dozens of times but he just doesn’t see it any other way.. so I decided to take my detox slowly. Just changing things slowly, one at a time. That way, I don’t lose focus in school and have a heart attack over moving. When we find a house, I will do a hard core cleanse. So far I’ve been juicing, using my net pot, eating smaller meals and drinking more water. I’m taking a human nutrition class that I am pretty excited about. I think that will help me understand nutrition a bit better. I also got a gym membership at the college.

I’ll be updating more because I am in school, which will hopefully keep me sane.

Namaste

Drinking veggies with a straw

VaggiesWell, something made me violently vomit for 12 hours straight on Thursday night. That was real fun, let me tell you. Now it’s over and strange enough it has seemed to help me continue with this pre cleanse. I am sore from doing my abdominal workout last night, I haven’t eaten meat in 3 days, I still have the un opened crater lake vodka infused with hazelnut espresso. I am rather surprised that I didn’t break open the bottle of liquid joy because it contains the two things I crave the most; booze and caffeine. I haven’t felt either intoxicating substance for almost a week now. Last night Michael and I had two friends come over for dinner. Michael made tacos with the beef of the cow my mom raised 100% organic, and I even helped cook but only had a small salad. I did consume some delicious home made pumpkin pie that his mom made us for Christmas. I’m still on my pre cleanse week, so I decided to treat myself a little. Winking smile

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Day one of pre detox week

So today I promised myself I would eat smaller meals. This is the start of my pre detox week, just change one thing daily to help the transition into my 21 day cleanse. Today it’s eating smaller meals(trying to not eat anything past 5pm also might help) and tomorrow will be either starting yoga or walking for 30 minutes. I wish I could say I will be doing both but I don’t want to burn myself out on too much and my standards are too high because I’ve been known to not fallow through. So I will add one thing a day.

I got a juicer for Christmas. My boyfriend’s mom gave it to me. I’m going to give her a beautiful butterfly necklace that my ex gave to me. I couldn’t part with it because it’s so beautiful, but it’s not fair to wear it. Giving it to someone would be better than just selling it.

With my juicer, I am going to make juice every day. I will post pictures on here of the recipes to help inspire others to break out their juicer or buy one because juice is amazing.

Well I have to go, the little girl I’m watching wants to play with her new Barbie house. J

Namaste

Changing your life

tumblr_lgcsulj1Ma1qh2n87o1_500Motivation: To challenge yourself to complete tasks that meet goals in order to feel complete and fulfillment about my ones life.

I have been feeling like I’m in a rut. I’ve been feeling like this for a long time. I haven’t actually felt happy about my accomplishments since high school 5 years ago. Now saying that, I do feel very lucky. I am lucky that I have won my battle with alcohol (although I do indulge time to time, but not every day or even every week as compared to what I was doing), I also have a very loving boyfriend. He’s my rock. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man to share my life with. He’s kind, considerate, and I feel he will always be there for me. At times my jealousy and anger get the best of me and I create situations that do not need to happen. He is still there for me, because he loves me for me.

I feel ashamed of myself. I am not at a healthy weight or maintaining the best focus in college. I can always do better. I have good grades but I lack in control of my procrastination. I am constantly putting things off until the last minute possible. Eating right, exercising, yoga, homework, planning extra special love time, and even time to meditate. I love meditating but I never do it.

All I want to do it sleep.. And I’ll make myself sleep for 12 hours a night. I want to start to motivate myself to get in a routine that will positively change myself forever.

I realized that I am not a very well liked person. Not because I’m snotty or mean. I am just extremely shy and it’s hard for me to open up to people. Others often assume that I am a bitch and avoid talking to me. In social situations, I try and make conversation and I can feel like some people are avoiding me.. looking for a way out of the conversation. People in my classes usually don’t go out of their way to talk to me and it kind of hurts but I want to change that. When I walk into a room, I want people to want to talk to me. I want people to go out of their way to get to know me. I want to be liked and for people to like me…

I really noticed this at my boyfriends best friends birthday bon fire party. I talked to everyone but eventually I felt that people just walked away when I was done talking. Making it obvious that they want to me through with the conversation. Then I just stood around by myself, drinking the pain of social rejection down with vodka. Waiting to be drunk enough to pass out in the car unnoticed.

Another thing, I want people to believe that I deserve my boyfriend and he deserves me. Sometimes I wonder if his friends really approve of me being around.

I also feel like the fat girl in class or any social situation. People are always calling themselves fat around me. I’m starting to wonder if they really think that of themselves or are they passively telling me to “lose a few” because if these girls are fat then I’m obese.. Maybe that is what it is…

There are so many things that are in my control that are blocking me from happiness. I don’t feel comfortable, or beautiful with my own reflection. The reasons are things that I alone need to change. Since with the new year happening in a week, and the entire population surviving December 21, 2012; I want to think of that time as an ending to an old era. 2013 will bring much better things in the future.   

Just to see what Google has to say, I decided to search for “How to change your life”

http://www.wikihow.com/Change-Your-Whole-Personality is the first site I happen to click on

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Tu me manques

You are missing to me.

I love that.

I was watching Oprah today on YouTube. I don’t particularly like Oprah very much because I believe she’s a self righteous b****. She does good things but expects that people should glorify her generosity. Sure, she has loads of money and can stand to help people out but I guess I would just do things different. I would donate or help out in the community but I would rather remain anonymous. It’s about helping people, not my fame. Although my view on Oprah, I was fascinated by her interview with Rihanna. I don’t usually listen to a lot of “pop” music or participate in pop culture as much as possible but I have always liked Rihanna’s songs. When I was working in the bar, I never got tired of listening to her same songs 10 times a night. They bumped me up and people usually tipped more if I was dancing around singing the song “S&M”. It was fun and I dabble in masochism a bit with my boyfriend. Not the creepy kind, just a dash of kinky to keep things spiced up. 😉

I learned a few things about Rihanna. Her real name is Robin and she’s from Barbados. She loves her mother and her grandmother was one of her biggest inspirations. People on her home island still call her Robin and she seems like she’s extremely kind to the people she knew when she was growing up. Oprah also brought up Chris Brown…

I was very curious what she had to say about the situation. I really was sympathetic after seeing pictures of her beaten face. I once married my high school sweet heart and he was abusive. He hurt me verbally, mentally and physically and convinced me that I did it to myself and I made him that way. I was surprised by her responses but not shocked. Rihanna dropped the restraining order against Chris Brown. He is currently seeing another lady, but she’s still in love. She saying that Chris is the love of her life and he needed help for his mistake. She said she felt that she needed to protect him and feels bad for him being labeled as a monster. She then explains that she “closed the gap” between her and her own father. She explains how he was abusive toward her mother as a child.

So in other words, she doesn’t view Chris’s actions as his fault. If she doesn’t forgive Chris, then it’s like she wasn’t forgiving her father. Very Interesting.

I started to think about my own past. Would I forgive D-bag? (his first name starts with a “D”, and he’s the definition of a douche bag) Could I understand why maybe he felt the need to smack me around when he wasn’t happy? Did I think that it’s possibly his upbringing that caused this?

NO!

Don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for him. I feel bad that he has a small dick(seriously, and he was the one who cheated..) I feel bad that his mom has numerous husbands during his upbringing. I feel bad that one of those many husbands in particular was physically abusive to both him and his mother. I feel bad that he had to witness his rich father start a new family in Texas while he was stuck sleeping on the couch in a trailer park. Using his manipulation to control my lifestyle and happiness will never be forgiven. Him telling me that my dead father would be disappointed and probably rolling in his grave because of the type of women I became. I do not forgive him calling me a whore after I finally told someone after a year that I was raped. I cannot forgive him locking me out of the house at night in North Carolina because he was irritated with me. This boy has a hold on my heart and soul. I never felt good enough, even in the beginning. Everyone wondered why the jock was in love with the punk rocker hippie. I believe it’s because I loved him unconditionally.. I wouldn’t ever leave him.

Well I left.

It took me YEARS to start being able to accept love in my life again. Every time I met a guy who was interested in me and seems like a nice guy, I would just stop talking to him. I broke hearts and I feel extremely bad about it right now. It was never hard to leave.

D-bag was a Capricorn, as well as my dad. I loved my dad but we had a rough relationship. He was never really supportive or loving. I never really saw him at all when I was growing up. I feared him, even though he never laid a finger on me, I still feared him. My dad loved D-bag. Now that I’ve been understanding astrology more, it makes sense. A Capricorn likes a Capricorn, I get along with other Scorpios. D-bag would tell me no one could ever deal with my shit like he did. That no other man would be accepted by my father. He even would use the fact that D-bag was the one who told me that my dad was dead against me. Now that I grow a little older, I realize that my dad would never accept him if he knew the true colors of his abusive nature.

I’m so thankful to be able to leave him in the end. I thank whatever higher power and my father for the strength.

“Make no mistake he puts the man in manipulate
And he’s attracted to the women that reciprocate
Y’all can kick karma ’till it’s getting late
Until Mama’s little drama is the topic of the big debate
And now a days the confidence is off the page
‘Cause women are attracted to that clown on the stage”

“Me” – Atmosphere

Then I met Michael. He’s a Pisces and I’m a Scorpio. I feel that he’s my soul mate with every being in my body. Every day, I look at him and become more in love. What I felt for my ex was puppy love. It was a love that I was told to feel. Michael is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He’s tall, handsome, big downstairs, kind, passionate, intelligent both with school and street smarts, he’s funny, strong, beautiful eyes, tender, compassionate towards animals and children, empathetic, he loves the outdoors, he’s taught me how to catch my first fish, he was there for me while I had the chicken pox AND ectopic pregnancy.. he’s so understanding and forgiving. I can seriously go on and on…

I wish there was more I can do to show Michael how much he means to me. I guess I will have to wait…

Back to Rhianna. I hope she lets go of Chris. I know she forgives his abuse and feels that it’s acceptable because it’s what she has seen her mother go through from her father. I hope that she learned from this experience and realizes that her beautiful soul deserves a man. A man that’s as kind as Michael is. Everyone deserves someone to really love them.

Here’s a link to Oprah’s interview

Namaste

Aside

Crazy, Sexy Diet

Have you ever just woken up one day and love everything?

After being sick off and on for the past few years, I’m over it. Chicken pox, two ectopic pregnancies, having extreme pain in my ankles/feet that’s so server it disables normal every day activities, and just being sick in general. I’m over weight, lazy, depressed, and no self confidence. I’m done!

It feels good to say that. I even said that out loud and believed myself. I bought a book online yesterday. I was debating weather to get a kindle but I love books. I love that I don’t have to charge it, think about radiation, and that I love libraries. I’m not ready for a that nonsense yet. Don’t get me wrong, I think their fairly practical. It saves trees, less space and I can look up words instantly that I don’t know to enhance my vocabulary. Just right now, I’m not ready. When I open my office for counselling, I enjoy having books around. People can look at them, maybe even barrow them if I trust them enough. I have a hard time reading for a long period of time on the computer so I would have to test it out for a few hours to see if I really like it. Who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind.

The book I bought was the crazy sexy diet by Kris Carr. She’s a cancer survivor who has severe lung and liver cancer. She was told that she would die in 10 years and that there’s no hope for chemo or radiation. So instead of feeling sorry for herself, which a lot of people would do, she said no. She wasn’t taking that for a solution for her fate. She decided to become her own doctor, and she said she got her PhD from the university of Google.:)

I like that about her because I do the same thing. I don’t always believe what doctors say. Yeah, sure they get this fancy degree that they will be paying off for the rest of their life and sure, they may have learned from the best but Western medicine sucks in my opinion. I watched my dad slowly die and he would have been much better off with out chemo and radiation. That’s what killed him in the end and we could have sued the doctor(who happened to be his best friend) for malpractice. My father died because the nurse shoved his feeding tube so far down his stomach that it ruptured it and pumped fluids for 24 hours after that. They claimed that it would have happened no matter what because he had stomach cancer, but then we found out that it could have been prevented. Since then, I haven’t been fond of modern western medicine doctors. I feel that they are the sales men for pharmacological companies. There are very few kind doctors who aren’t greedy.

So, back to the book. (Sorry I’m spacey, smoked a bowl recently hehe) Kris Carr decided to take her life in her own hands and completely change her life style. From her writing(I downloaded the free version on the kindle app on my PC) she seems like a very beautiful person. She speaks with people at hospitals and universities. She’s a wellness warrior and from what I have read so far, shes healthier now then she was before the diagnoses. She still has cancer, but shes happy.

I’m going to get this book on Monday. Hopefully, is the weather permits, Michael and I will be camping again this week and I can start the book then. We bought a bunch of camping stuff, he bough me a fishing pole(which almost made me cry lol) and I bought us a kayak!! For the past year I’ve been focused on two things. A mountain bike and a kayak. Well guess what? I got both for under $400!!! I bought the mountain bike a few months ago, which I used a lot. Biking helps my ankles like yoga. Usually on the nice days, I ride my bike to yoga. I can’t wait to start this again. Kayaking will help my arm strength and also.. kayaking is so tranquil. Just you and nature. I love it. I love watching the bald eagles fly over me and fish swimming below me. Without nature, I am not truly happy.

I got the blood results from the doctor yesterday and I’m normal again. Thank god. Now when I get this food, I’m going to try her 21 day cleanse.

Sorry for the rambling. I might post again tonight to free write my essay about yoga and mediation and how it benefits mood disorders.

Namaste, love your life. ❤

My battle with sugar

I have the typical love/hate relationship with sugar..

My dad had an extremely big sweet tooth, which he passed onto me. My dad always wanted to go to the store and get “me” candy. Now that I’m older, I’m starting to think that he used it as an excuse to feed into the sugar addiction. Don’t get me wrong, I loved spending any time I could with my dad since he worked 2 different jobs and I hardly saw him but he died of stomach cancer..

He drank a lot of diet soda, I hardly saw him eat anything nutritious, he popped Oxycontin/codon for back and knee pain ,I had never seen him drink water, he had a night job, and he ate A LOT OF SUGAR.

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This makes much more sense now that I’m adult. I’ve been reading ingredients on labels more, I have been drinking a lot more water, I try and eat at least once salad a day, I stay away from corn as much as it’s humanly possible, I haven’t drank any alcohol, and I’ve been trying to organize my life more so it’s reduces stress.

I am still battling in my war against sugar. Detoxing after this chemo shit is out of my system sounds like a freaking fantastic idea. Maybe I can detox sugar as well.

Namaste

 

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